It Just Feels Good.
There are very few times in which I feel as though I am amidst something that leaves me feeling privileged. . .
I’ve never heard a classical guitarist play before but there’s something about the sound that resonates through your entire body. It makes you realize that if you turn on any other sound, a TV, a video game, a soundtrack on your computer, anything that isn’t a classical guitar thats being played right in front of your face. . . then you aren’t doing the moment justice, you shouldn’t turn it on at all…. Instead you should just sit with the little memories of sound that you have.
It makes you realize how artificial things really are. It doesn’t matter how many times you mix a soundtrack so that it’ll reach what you consider perfection. Perfection is only hearing the instrument in its original form.
I forgot that.
I’m sitting here in John Losito’s barn while T’s dad plays the classical guitar – it’s raining and the rain exemplifies the beauty of the music being played here tonight.
I keep trying to forget that it, the guitar playing, is eventually going to come to a stop. It pains me to think about that because when I close my eyes and truly listen it feels so good…. It leaves my brain feeling relaxed, numb, and empty something that hasn’t happened in a long time…. I love this.
Curiousity
Do you ever wonder … What if? What if Iook that path? Where would I be? Better … Or worse …?
Sept. 21 update.
I guess having thought about this. . . . it really doesn’t matter and what a thing to ask. I really do like what I’ve become . . . and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter whether I like how I feel / like the situation. All that matters is . . . it is what it is. Without the experiences I wouldn’t have grown as much as I have. Theres no doubt that had even the smallest change occurred I would be completely different.
Why change / wonder/ doubt/ what I’ve done and who I’ve become. Especially when in this moment I am satisfied with myself. Happy even.
I’m lucky.
The Crash.
I constantly find myself giving the same advice to people:
“Step back and evaluate what will be healthy for you.
Nothing else matters, just your own personal happiness which is in fact, what makes you healthy. “
It is so easy to give advice. Especially advice that you’ve thought out time and time again for yourself.
But following it is a completely different ball game.
Emotions are something that get the best of us. They take control and force you to think without reason.
You know a sane person wouldn’t do “X” but you still continue to do it despite what your brain tells you.
This is something that has come to facinate me. Why do we constantly do things when we know the result can only cause more damage than good?
I think a lot about Scott Peck. Delaying Self-gratification.
You deny yourself now and then the reward comes later. No matter the situation or circumstance you’d think happiness would be enough for one to delay self-gratification. But we’re selfish. We love to get what we want even if it means hurting ourselves in the process.
This is not to say that everyone does this. But I think that everyone, for the most part, has been or can relate this to a certian stage in their life. It has been done by all. . . . .
That puts me back at one. Why? Why do we do set ourselves up for the trainwreck at the end of the tunnel? . . . . and is it really worth it? . . .
Boxes.
I was packing my stuff today and realized.
Wow – Its as if I’ve never been here.
As if I’ve never exsisted.
To me its so mind blowing how if you put all of your stuff into a bag and walk out a door its as if you were never there.
As if you were never in a persons life.
Sure you have the memories, those are things that can never be taken away. But physically you’re gone.
Whenever I broke up with someone – I boxed them.
I would literally go through my room and box every picture, dried flower, gift, note, basically any object that reminded me of said person. It wasn’t too long ago that I re-opened one box.
In it was things I’m glad that I kept- memories that I had forgotten and although it made me really sad and curious about how things “could have been” had I just forgiven a simple kiss. A bouquet of dried roses, a white rose from prom, pre-prom pictures, little drawings and notes. . .
Its funny because I broke up with this person and then probably a year later I was wearing a coat that I used to wear all the time when I was with him – I reached into my pocket and found a note that said, ” Can’t wait to see you off work at 9″ – I smiled when I saw this. Not because I missed him but just because it was something. Something that made me feel cared for – even a year later.
I ended up throwing out the boxes and all the memories that came with them, including this gel cactus with a cowboy hat on it (yea i know wtf? haha). For me I just wanted to run through them one more time. Remember what I had – the good times rather than focusing on the bad points of that failed relationship and made room for a new box in my drawer.
It takes a lot of strength to box someone – Its not simple. You have these overwhelming desires to re-open / relive the boxes and search for certain smells, certain pictures, and specific feelings that were once continuous and special all at once. But at the same time you push yourself to do this, to box this person, so you can move on and start feeling new things. Start living once again. . .
Driving and the Memories that Come With It.
I love getting lost while I drive. Not lost as in I’m actually lost but seriously deep in thought listening to music as it pounds out of my rear speakers. I missed seeing the dark road fly past me in the mysterious blackness. Everything feels familiar because yes I’ve done this 1,000 times but each time it has its own personal touch to it.
I just drove. I took the long way to my destination and then an even longer way home. Why? Because it felt good.
Music blaring and singing at the top of my lungs, having me time is something I don’t get frequently especially these days. . . So when I get it I think I appreciate it more.
Tonight I feel as though My senses were more in tune. I noticed small little things that normally I just let pass by me. My headlights shining into a puddle and the light reflecting off a telephone pole. I noticed this once and then continued to notice it the entire way home. Each time I passed a telephone pole with a nearby puddle it was like my own personal aurora borealis. The air smelt odd for this time of year, wetter almost like a night you’d find in mid-October with the decomposing leaves.
I love the Fall. Its my favorite season. It reminds me of raking leafs when I used to live in Texas and climbing up my neighbors tree and jumping into them. I remember being fearless then. Not thinking of the danger below the leafs. Not realizing that although leafs looked fluffy and wonderful they were not like pillows. They did not actually break your fall. . . .
It started raining on my way to Sarah’s House . . . then lightening decided to join too. I love lightening. I love everything about it, the sound, the quick flashes of light almost like a surprise each time, even how it looks as it makes its way to the ground. Tonights lightening wasn’t like that though. Instead it was just bright flashes there was no sign of where it come from. It just did and was.
When I first moved to Massachusetts it rained a lot that first summer I moved here. I remember it because Amanda (my cousin) and I would play inside for hours at a time and watch TV shows like Aurther. But my father and I had a ritual when it rained/ stormed. I got to spend time with him. It was our time.
Right before I went to bed we’d always go into the computer room and I’d lean his tall chair back towards the window while standing on it while the lightening flashed. He would sit in a chair close by and we’d pull all the blinds back in the room and close the door and just watch as the room light up. When we first started doing this I remember being scared but as time passed it became a comfort. Something I grew to love and look forward to. I was really happy.
I haven’t driven at night in a really long time. This could also be another reason for my heightened senses. But for the first time in a long time I felt like that little girl watching the lightening. I felt completely happy with how things were in that moment.
To be honest I wanted to just keep driving. . . keep feeling how I felt tonight but I didn’t have enough gas so the night had to come to an end and I had to make my way home. . . . but I got what I needed tonight which was time for me to relax and to be content in everything that I have and am at this time. . .
If there was a poloriod of this moment it would look like this.
A little girl driving down the road smiling in the dark while Jason Mraz storms out of the speakers and lightening attacks the dashboard. A slight fog on the road with occasional puddles growing here and there while the windshield fills with water and slowly dribbles down the glass.
I miss these moments. But I’m grateful for this one.
An Ephiphany.
Life was simple.
You concentrated on the important aspects of your life.
Nothing else mattered as long as you got to go exactly where you want to go on that hot summer day and got to take that energy drink that would quench your thirst on the long trek.
Nothing Else mattered as long as you could convince your favorite adult to play a game with you, which usually consisted of silly things such as hiding kiwis and yelling “hot” and “cold” at the person searching for the kiwi treasure in the garden.
Nothing else mattered as long as you found your stuffed animal or blanket that you slept with every night and got to hold it tight as you fell fast asleep because at that point in your life you loved it more than anything and it loved you just as much, if not more.
Nothing else mattered when you watched TV because that program that you were watching was your life at that very moment. You were boxed into the program and nothing could penetrate that box unless someone was in front of the TV.
Mom and Dad were God. Even if they were awful to you and weren’t the best parents you loved them despite that, because they were all you had and all you knew.
I’m a nanny. I watch these kids everyday. It never gets old and its always new but one thing that hasn’t changed is the fact that the simple innocence and love that pours from these children amazes me.
Tommy always sleeps with “Patchy” (a stuffed Dog) and “Toby” (a stuffed penguin that wears a Santa hat) and if he doesn’t have at least one of those he gets upset and starts crying and I think its just because hes at that stage in his life where he needs consistency. Those two stuffed animals have always been there for him not having at least one is the unthinkable for him.
Toby’s wing fell off today. He laid in bed upstairs and I promised that I’d bring it to him when I was done in the middle of the night.
I smiled as I repaired the wing because I just thought of the simple things that I mentioned above. The tiny realities in life that make him happy. The simple littles that to you and me mean nothing, but to him these littles mean the world.
When I finally finished sewing his wing back on I walked upstairs and found Tommy lying in bed just as he promised he would do but wide awake awaiting for me to appear with Toby. It was about 2 hours after his bed time when I came upstairs and his sister lay fast asleep in her bed but Tom just layed there waiting for me to appear so that I could pass him his new and improved Toby.
He was so pleased with me. So happy that I had followed through with what I had promised him. He gave me a hug and thanked me and the look on his face finally made me realize why people are parents.
Making someone that happy by doing something so little, like sewing a wing on a stuffed animal, is one of the most gratifying feelings.
I’ve fallen in love with these children. As much as I complain and say their brats ,even when they throw dishes at me (Yes its happened in my first few weeks) or pretend to jump on my lab top. Its the little things that I love about this job.
Reading Curious George and seeing the surprise and curiosity in their faces, or recommending a good book to the 10 year old Amy and her eyes light up when she talks to me about it. Playing 12 o’clock 6′o clock while walking down the road, eye spy, or just trying not to step on the cracks in the road.
I love being a nanny because even though I do have to be an adult most of the time I still get to be a kid occasionally. I like being brought back to my childhood and sharing all the things that I found wonderful growing up. Books, games, words, facts, foods, I love seeing their eyes light up when something surprises them or hearing them laugh when they thing something is immensely funny. Tickling them till they run up the stairs to bed. Life was a game. Before I took this job I seemed to have forgotten that.
Maybe I love this job so much because I want to go back. I would love to live in a world of simple things and be content or joyous as they are. But I don’t live in their world. No one can other than other children of their own age. But being a nanny allows me to visit their world from time to time and that alone makes me happy. Because when you hang out with kids all day you’re allowed to dance all silly in the kitchen to the radio, tickling someone is probably one of the biggest threats imaginable and snack time happens at least twice a day if not more.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is do not always live for THE moment but A moment. Life is a continuous moment and if you don’t live your life in the present you won’t be living and you won’t be happy. Sure you can look ahead from time to time or even behind you. But try not to do it too often because then you’ll miss the current moment, the present.
We also just need to slow down and appreciate the little things in life. We can all do it, we all have. Its just a matter of prioritizing everything in our lives. Live like a kid. Walk a new way home every day, say hello to strangers, treat yourself and be happy with a ice cream that you can get for a dollar (or pound). Its these little things that escape us as we grow up . . . . and I think its time we start bringing them back slowly and steadily.
Does it smell like piss in here?
I have a morning ritual. Wake up, toss off the blankets, lay there for a bit and try to wake up. . . finally get up put on the socks I threw on the floor the night before (I hate having cold feet) and walk to the bathroom.
NOW – here is the part of the morning I HATEEEEEE!
Immediately when you walk into the bathroom the smell of Urine lingering in the air hits you like a brick wall.
Why you ask? Well people don’t believe , at least in the house that I’m living in, in flushing the toilet unless you’ve taken a shit.
See now at first I thought. Oh no they’re just being kind trying not to wake me up when its really early in the morning or even in the middle of the night. Because yes some people in this household due to age I’m sure can’t hold it overnight.
(Did I mention the father that lives here pissed his pants one night? Because he did . . . the housekeeper found his piss stained underwear on the floor in his bedroom)
But no, its not just in the morning. No its multiple times a day. See I wouldn’t mind it from time to time really Its just literally there are so many bathrooms in this house (4) that someone might not go in one for days and you walk in and its the most disgusting smell 3 day old piss, yes imagine that – yummmm.
Plus lets be honest – This family is pretty well off – Yes? So why not just flush the toilet a little more? They’re not into saving water or the environment so lets not play that card. Honestly, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is pure laziness.
The toilets never flushed, The lids always left up, hell there’s even piss on the toilet most of the time (ew). So the verdict is just pure laziness. . .
sighhhhh. Just once I want to wake up and go in the bathroom and not have to smell the rank smell of piss. Is that too much to ask for?
Its been a year. . .
Today it was brought to my attention that it was exactly a year ago today that I got on a plane and traveled 3,000 miles or so to Arizona. Here I bonded with my cousin, made new friends that will last a lifetime, drank excessivly, partied excessively, and later met this kid ,Ben, who I’d travel to world to be with.
Honestly, I just can’t get over the fact that a year has gone by so quickly. I recently wrote to a friend via myspace saying something along the lines of how time itself just blows my mind. Just the fact that it can move so quickly and yet while you’re going through the motions of living it seems to pass so slowly. But the next thing you know a years gone by and you really can’t recall exactly what was done in all that time. Its as if I just blinked and now I’m here a year later in England.
I’m going back to the states in about 2 weeks for 2 weeks. I’m really excited and I can’t wait to see not only my family but also my friends. I can’t wait to feel the heat of the sun pound down on me with the combination of awful humidity that I miss so much. I can’t wait to drive down roads in MY car that I ‘ve been driving down for years. I can’t wait to walk around knowing I won’t get lost because I know this place like the back of my hand. Then again even if I was to get lost it wouldn’t matter because getting lost can be fun and not scary when you’re close to home. When you have more than 1 person to call that can come get you or guide you back down the streets until they suddenly become familiar roads again.
But on the other hand this is something that brings on a blanket of realization. I’ve already been in the UK for 6 months. . . . that means I only have another 6 months before I go home for good. For good meaning for at least a year till I finish my degree. This is something that really saddens me because I’ve made some good friends and have gotten used to what I have here in England. I have 3 friends here that are a breed of their own. I love them each and I can’t imagine being here now without that friendship.
The 4 of us are going to Paris in October for 4 days and Although I can’t wait for the trip to commence I also dread it because I know my time is limited and that after that trip I will only be here for another 2 months.
Then there’s the case of Ben and leaving him which is definitely going to be one of the hardest things. Booking my flights back to the states and clicking the “One way” tab instead of the “Round Trip flight” was the worst. I know I’ll see him and that everything will be fine during this time its more of the hurt of not seeing that person who you care about the most day in and day out. When making a phone call even becomes tricky due to time zone differences and phone bills wracking up too high. Or even sending a package costs about 50$ to ship or even a letter takes about 2 weeks to deliver news. sigh.
But still – Its been a year. I’ll be the first to say I never thought I’d be where I am now. Honestly, I don’t even know where I’d be had I continued what I was doing before this year. But I’m glad, thrilled even, that everything has happened the way it has.
This is all I can say for now. I don’t know where I’ll be in a year, but I hope its where I want to be and I hope that I’ll be as happy as I am now, with friends and people that I care greatly about. All I can ask for is happiness and if in the long run I am happy then I’ll be grateful for that.
SERIOUSLY?!? Palin? Lets not kid Ourselves folks.
Rush Limbaugh is trying to push that
Quote: “Palin most “prominent and articulate voice” for conservatism”
Was Rush Sleeping during the Presidential Election? Seriously.
All of those Katie Couric interviews makes Mrs. Palin Laughable. . .
For those of you have haven’t seen them, No Worries, I’ll supply them for you:
Video 1:Comment 1: Beacon of Light. . . Ronald Reagan . . . jumble jumble. . . does this sound scripted to anyone else?
Comment 2: You learned about the world through Mediums?! Soo Lets get this right - You don’t travel and you never in your life had any intention of traveling outside of the US until last year when you decided to run for the VP position of the US. Got it. So basically You’re really sheltered. . . But at least you were a hard worker. . with 2 jobs and then later became a mom. . . okay good. But Do I really want you 2nd in Line for Commander in Chief or even THE Commander in chief. . . I duno about you folks, but I say NO NO NO.
Comment 2: “We can’t afford to lose in Afghanistan, we can’t afford to lose in Iraq” . . . I’m sorry but to me this has become a Vietnam repeat. . . Who are we fighting again?? Please remind me who this war is against? Osama. . . . ?
Comment 3: “The Pakistani people want freedom and democracy” – Do you know this? Maybe they just want us to leave them alone? I’m pretty sure because you just got a passport in late 2007 that you’ve never been to Pakistan and you’ve never once talked to “their people” so please Don’t speak for them. . . because you’ve never spoken to them – EVER!
Comment 4: Palin has “Cited Alaska’s Proximity to Russia as her Foriegn policy plan”. . . Explanation by Sarah “Our next door neighbors are foriegn countries in the state. . . that . . I am Executive of. ” Nice Sarah Nice recovery on that one.
Do you think she was being serious? Honestly I’ll give her a little break on this one and say at the time she made this comment she might not have meant this in a serious way at all but instead sort of laughing at herself. Katie Couric could have maybe made her look not so good when she made this passing comment into a literal one but Sarah could have easly just admitted to it being a joke. . . .You know what the next question would have been to shoot out of Katie’s mouth though don’t you?
“Well what experience do you have with foriegn policy then? “
Paline would have then had to admit little to none. Which wouldn’t have looked very good either.
Okay I really could go on about this for DAYS literally. The mistakes I’ve seen Palin make are so plentiful that I could write page after page just out of this one interview. So Below are the other Interviews with Katie Couric (Some of the next ones are less serious. . . well maybe less serious is the wrong thing to say but rather more hilarious).
Please feel free to give input. Positive or Negative.
The Best of Palin:
So for me to call Palin “prominate” and “Articulate” is 100% wrong.
If you go on about me posting soundbites to make Palin Look silly you’re right I have posted soundbites – but you have to realize Palin said Dumb thing after dumb thing during the build up to the 2008 Presidential election I cant possiably properly post EVERY full interview that She participated in. But I can promise you that in EVERY interview she sounded mildly retarded and was an EMBARESSMENT to the GOP party .
So GOP if you’re planning on putting Palin up for 2012. . . might as well just give up now. Once McCain put up Palin as his VP and as soon as she opened her mouth it was over. We all know this . . . so just do yourself a favor now and prevent the whole situation and find someone else to put up!
Blog Below is wonderful : Check it out!
Lake Powell
Arizona.
I really miss LP (Lake Powell). Wow.
I would love nothing more than to make my way back there in the near future. . .
Maybe in 2011? – Anyone Interested. . . Sam? Or you gonna get a real job 
